


The void

by captainhurricane



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Here Lies the Abyss, M/M, story spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 15:25:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3072935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainhurricane/pseuds/captainhurricane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris receives a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The void

**Author's Note:**

> so i made the Big Decision in Here Lies The Abyss and it killed me so this is my way of coping. By making it worse. Don't read if you haven't played that mission.

It wasn’t unusual to be separated. Rarely had Hawke and Fenris done so though, had instead spent numerous days huddled together beside fires and in various tavern beds and never ever talking of the companions left behind. They hadn’t liked to be separated, not after the chaos had erupted fully and spread all over the entirety of Thedas (so it seemed) and not after all correspondence from most of their former companions had ceased. Only Varric had kept on writing, his letters always long and a little winded but they had given a twitch of smile to both faces; Hawke’s had grown more haggard over the days spent on the run and realizing Thedas was ripping apart quicker than he could keep it together, Fenris’ sharper and more dangerous. 

It was unusual to be separated this long though, days and weeks and even longer and Fenris had grown agitated in Hawke’s absence, killing another slaver with more brutality than necessary. It didn’t make him happy to hear the war had ended and the Inquisition was well on its way to becoming Thedas’ saviour; chaos still remained; the sky remained scarred. Demons still poured out of the wounds of the world’s skin and those odd Templars with the redness of their lyrium fiercer and stranger than blood- first meeting with those Templars had been particularly traumatizing, Fenris’ knees had nearly given up under him when the lyrium on his own skin had sung louder. 

Varric’s letter arrives during one of Fenris’ quiet moments, when he hasn’t scrubbed blood of his skin or his sword, had remained sitting on his (their) bed and staring at his hands on his lap. 

"Ser?" Comes the knock on the door and the matron’s voice. She had been kind enough, gracious enough. The name of the Champion still held some weight in a torn-up world, even far away from Kirkwall and even with Fenris with him; Fenris who had no place other in the world than by Hawke’s side. 

Fenris swallows and stands up, walks to the door and offers a tight, uncomfortable smile at the matron’s widening eyes at the sight of him. 

"A letter for you, Ser," she says and gives the folded parchment to him. Fenris’ hands shake as he takes it and nods his thanks. He knows the feeling coiling itself tightly around his limbs, he knows it. He doesn’t want to, but he does. A coldness had descended on him just two days ago and somehow he knows even before he reads.

 _"Fenris,"_ it begins. Varric’s handwriting had always been clear and steady but this time there had been wavering, the s slightly too curly. 

_"Are you well? We are very well in the Skyhold. More and more people keep pouring in, the Inquisitor doesn’t want to turn anyone away and she shouldn’t, not when everything’s as it is._

 _Fenris. Shit, this is. I don’t want to have to tell you this but I feel like you need to hear it from one who is your friend. I am sorry, Fenris. I am so sorry.”_ At this point Fenris know the coldness of his heart and inside his guts is the absence of Hawke. 

_"I don’t know if you have heard of it by now but we attacked the Adamant fortress because Corypheous had enslaved Grey Wardens and - shit, it’s going to take longer to explain than I thought. Just let’s, let’s leave it at that. The Inquisitor opened up a rift to the Fade and she fell in physically- along with few of our other companions, the Grey Warden Alistair and, and Hawke._

_And I am sorry, Fenris. Everyone else… Everyone else made it through. Hawke stayed behind in the Fade to distract the demon that was holding us at bay. The Inquisitor banished the Grey Wardens from Orlais for everything they had done and, shit._

_I know you hate anyone worrying about you but I worry. I know where Isabela’s ship is docked- yeah, still where she was last time I wrote so please go find at least her. Just- I’m sorry about Hawke. Both him and the Warden Alistair offered to stay behind and it ended up being Hawke. I know you won’t come even if I ask you to but one last time: Fenris, there is a place for you even in here. Skyhold is large and the Inquisition is probably the safest group to be with right now._

_Hawke wouldn’t want you to be alone. Not that I know what he would want anymore. I’m so sorry.”_  
  
_As always, your friend. Varric._

The letter is crushed into a little ball in Fenris’ fist. He stays standing but his throat is dry, no sound comes out at all except for deep, slow breaths. He scrunches his eyes shut. 

Hawke, he thinks. Hawke, Hawke, Hawke. He expects Hawke to walk inside then, to smile that tired smile and grasp his shoulder. It’s okay, Fenris, Hawke would say. I’m right here with you. I promised, didn’t I? Fenris doesn’t cry but he would like to. He lets the crumpled letter fall out of his fingers as he sits on the bed. He presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids. Hawke, he thinks. He doesn’t take the letter again, doesn’t read the words again or Varric’s neat little signature ("Always your friend, Varric"). There’s no need to. 

Fenris trembles. A choked sound comes out and he grimaces. His eyes are dry but wide as he finally opens them again, stares ahead into the fireplace. 

His head swims. Physically in the Fade? Why didn’t the Grey Warden stay behind instead if he so offered? Fenris knows of Alistair Theirin, has heard of him being one of the Hero of Ferelden’s companions but has never met him. So a stranger lives instead of- Hawke, who stood with those oppressed and crushed, who offered salvation and second chances even to those undeserving of it (Fenris’ hate of Anders had diminished with time but he isn’t sure he likes the odd, detached pity that had taken its place- Hawke would have called it empathy, would have said that it’s good Fenris finally understands how similar him and Anders are). Instead of Hawke who had offered a home to Fenris who had had nothing. 

Fenris had liked their other companions in Kirkwall fine enough, had found perhaps the most true friendship with Varric- in a way he misses seeing the storytelling dwarf and even considered taking his sword and going to the ranks of the Inquisition- and an acceptable mutual neutral ground with the rest but they hadn’t given him the same sense of home Hawke had done. Hawke who had loved him just like this, had given him the nudge to break his own chains finally. Fenris had found that he hadn’t even minded fighting against the Templars and had perhaps begun to understand the blight the mages faced but it had always been Hawke who had been the link between Fenris and the rest of the world. 

Fenris sighs. His shoulders sag. He sits down on the floor, back against the bed. The stern, sharp eyes flutter close as he draws the memories swimming in his head closer, close enough that he can almost hear Hawke’s voice. 

He wraps the memories around himself and thus pushes away the ice in his heart. The reality that Hawke, that idiot, had sacrificed himself for others yet again.


End file.
